Choosing Us Over Me: The Brain, the Argument, and the Work of Love

During an argument, in the heat of the moment, humans are wired to be selfish. This is how the brain is structured and wired. It is an instinctive self-preservation response. Brain scans show that in high-stress situations, the amygdala activates before the prefrontal cortex can regulate behavior. The notorious amygdala is responsible for identifying threats and triggering survival responses. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for logic and rationale. When faced with high-stress situations, the amygdala hijacks rational thinking and prioritizes self-preservation, often leading to selfish decisions. In this case, no one should be blamed for choosing themselves right? Well, wrong. Because we are not 15-year-olds any more; if you read this content thus far, you are most likely at an age to give due diligence to your matured prefrontal cortex. The good news is that these skills do not come naturally for most of us, these are skills that we would acquire throughout our lives and here we will be brainstorming and walking through some solutions together to do just that!

First and foremost, your focus will be on yourself. This might seem easy, given that humans are naturally self-interested, but here’s the irony—we rarely turn that selfishness inward when it comes to accountability. Instead of confronting our actions directly, we take the long way around, like someone reaching for their ear with the opposite hand wrapped behind their head, rather than simply using the closest hand. This metaphor refers to when we go through all the process of identifying our partners’ faults and flaws, all the mistakes they have done, the promises they haven’t kept, and how we have been affected from their overall reactions and responses or the lack thereof; rather than simply focusing inward, identifying how we are feeling, noticing the patterns and functions behind these feelings and our repetitive behaviors that bring us back to these situations.

To help yourself shift your perspective, pay attention to what your partner is doing right. Remind yourself why you chose them out of all the endless possibilities. They are not your opponent, they are your team. You cannot remind this to yourself in the middle of an argument, this is humane and natural; but remember the due diligence. What you can do is prepare your mind, and exercise your responses. Frequently work on thinking of all the things you love about them, all the little things that they do that make you happy. Repeat to yourself “we are a team”. Think of the past arguments, and come up with better responses. Not only the verbal responses, but also practice the tone of your voice and the way you would look at them. Would you like to clench your jaw or would you prefer to have a soft smile? Would you want to be quieted by the angry beats of your heart or have your arms widened welcoming the “argument”? Practice, practice, practice.

This does not mean that you should agree with everything happening or being said just to avoid conflict. No, this will cause you to lose your sense of self within time, your sense of self-respect and your trust to the relationship. Instead, lay it all out: what are the things you agree with and what do you not agree with. Request your partner to share theirs as well. Make reciprocal validating and all encompassing comments. Express what you are feeling and thinking, not the things your partner did or did not do to you.